Quite often I say that I’m tired. I know what I mean, and I think my husband sort of understands it as well. But the other day, when I said I was tired during confession, Father asked me: What are you tired of? It took me a few seconds to start articulating my thoughts.
Overall I have this sense of exhaustion with life: of trying and getting nowhere.
Do I really go nowhere? Of course not! I know I’ve accomplishments to celebrate. But some of these successes have taken me years to achieve: years of struggle, disappointment and suffering. Yes, I know I’ve accomplished things, but I feel like the price has been very high. I have no energy left to keep on trying. Often, that’s how I feel.
I’m tired of people.
Do I dislike everybody? No! I love so many people; I’d give my life for some of them. I finally have wonderful friends in this country. I know lots of people who care about me, who worry about me. But I’m tired of fake people who pretend to care about me and only care about themselves and their needs. What actually angers me is their fake love and concern, their, of course, I love you, but I’ll spread rumours behind you; their how are you doing?, but I couldn’t care less and I’ll get my way even if it means stepping on you. I constantly try to focus on the good characteristics these people have; I pray for them, I do it regularly. But again, I’m tired of all these.
I’m tired of disappointing people.
Am I really such a disappointment? No! I know that’s not true. But I also know that some of my actions, ideas and thoughts disappoint people quite often. And because I’m no longer willing to give up on who I am and what I stand for, people make a big deal into how I’m such a disappointment.
I’ve made zero improvements in my health
I’ve been trying to fix my hormones for 17 years and I’m not even close to being done. I have anxiety and depression. I feel like for every good weekend I have, the next 2 I’ll feel awful.
On bad days, all these thoughts combined make me tired, tired with capital letters. Although I know that this pattern of thoughts belongs to depression, sometimes I don’t think I can go on any longer. But I know I’m not alone, and that tomorrow can be better!