This August I will be celebrating 10 years since I moved to Canada. I’m 32, so pretty much I’ve lived a third of my life in this country. It doesn’t feel like that at all.
I came to Canada when I was 22 years old. I remember how happy and excited I was to be here. I was also incredibly happy that I wasn’t in Puebla anymore (I wanted to leave so badly).
These 10 years have been very difficult, I would have never guessed that. Never. But there are 2 things that have given me all the strength to go on: my husband and God.
Although I know that I’ve always had God, it was not until 2 years ago that I really experienced my faith as an engine towards pushing harder and not giving up. I wasn’t a practicing Catholic, but I thought that in my own way I loved God. I had no idea all the things that I was missing!
Now, I have a personal relationship with Jesus and he is at the centre of my life. I see Mary as my true mother, and the Saints as those friends that are always with me, helping me grow in holiness.
I see suffering as an opportunity to grow, I struggle many times to do so, but I try my best.
I’ve realized I’m not as nice as I thought, and I fail to be the best version of myself most of the days.
I know God only wants the best for me, and while most of the times I cannot understand why certain things are happening, I trust in Jesus, because I know who He is.
My husband is just too good for me. I’m the evil one in this marriage, and everyone knows it (my family, our friends, etc.). Now that I think about it, I know God gave me this husband so I could handle trials and suffering, but also all the happiness and blessing that I’ve been given. Praise God for that!
My Munequito is smart, incredibly nice, kind and loving, in fact, that’s his only defect: an excess of kindness. It amazes me how much he loves me despite my many faults, my constant rumination about the same things over and over.
Last week at counselling, when trying to look at the progress I’ve made, Lindsey said: I remember when Morgan contacted me because he thought you were going to kill yourself. He was there, at the end of my first session with Lindsey when we came up with an emergency code that we were going to use when I felt like I was just going to kill myself.
Yesterday I was watching Downton Abbey, and Mr Bates said to Anna (Mr Bates and Anna are one of my favourite TV couples of all time): It’s not right for you to cry alone. You’re married, and that means you never have to cry alone again. I immediately texted this to my Munequito and told him: you’ve never told me such thing! But the truth is, I’ve cried next to my Munequito many times, I’ve lied down on his chest at night and sobbed nonstop.
Many years ago, back in Mexico, I once wrote: the worst thing of being alone is knowing that, indeed, you have somebody around (lo peor de estar solo es sabe que sí se tiene a alguien). I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t think my Munequito understands the many reasons that make me depressed or fuel my anxiety, but that’s not important. He is always there, hearing my complaints, drying my tears, trying to love me more and more.
I only hope I’m at least half as good to him as he is to me.