I need to rewire my brain, that’s the conclusion Lindsey (my counsellor) and I reached after my last session. I don’t like saying rewiring, so I made up the term rebrainig (which is not really a word, but I’ve decided to use it for my specific goals).
Remember my obsession with X & Y? It was concluded that my dislike for these people comes from the thought that they’re the representation of all the anger and disappointment that Canada has given me during the 10 years I’ve been living here.
First, let me explain what I mean b reward the lazy, the I’m lucky, not matter the poor choices I make. This makes me angry because, in Mexico, you cannot hang on to luck that way. Sure thing you can be lucky in Mexico, but there are limits. I guess the first world lucky limits are way better than third world ones.
It’s not that I don’t want Y & X to on a vacation, it’s just so incredibly unfair that they go on vacation with the little work they do. Yes, I’m judging them based on my standards of hard work, standards which are highly influenced by my own experience and the honest hard work of the Mexican poor and middle classes.
Y & X are not even one-quarter as educated as some people I know, yet, they live a stress-free, relaxed and privileged life. On the other hand, my brilliant hard working friends and acquaintances don’t enjoy international vacation or drinks every Friday. Some people will call Y & X talented. Are you kidding me? I know real talent and hard work. I know the meaning of sacrifice (despite my own privilege). I also know people’s sacrifices. Oh! But that doesn’t matter because most of the times we’re* not even acknowledged at the most basic level (welcome to the real world of *racialized minorities in Canada!)
Y & X could not have the lifestyle they have if they were in Mexico. This drives me crazy, it makes me angry, frustrated and disappointed.
Canada has taught me that your skin colour matters in how you’re treated, in your job opportunities, in how people talk to you. And yes, part of X’s & Y’s luck stems from their whiteness.
X & Y also represent the fakeness I’ve encountered in Canada, the of course I care about you, but not really, the I love you, but I’m not really interested in who you are, the I know your culture better and I’ll appropriate it by celebrating Dia de Los Muertos and sharing my salsa tips with you.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want nor wish X & Y any suffering or misfortune. I don’t want the life they have, not at all! I’m not jealous of their accomplishments, I wouldn’t trade my SAD tears for their weekend gateways at all. I pray for them constantly, because I’m no better than them. I feel bad that X & Y ended up being the representation of how Canada has failed me in some many ways. But here we are, and in reality, they indeed represent my many disappointments throughout the years. How is rebraining going to help me overcome my anger towards them? Well, I have very legitimate reasons to be angry at them. The problem is that many small little things that make me upset or angry, lead me to (no matter what the origin is) an angry mental association with X & Y. A few days ago, I simply couldn’t wake up at 5:25 am to do my morning exercises, and again, within seconds, my anger was about X & Y (they’re probably sleeping, the don’t need to exercise, they don’t work hard enough). Lindsey told me: do you realise you invited these people to your bed that morning? I don’t want that! That’s where rebraining comes into place. That’s when I’ll start reciting the alphabet (in English) backwards, in order to dissociate anger with Y & X. My brain now connects any kind of anger and disappointment to them, and I need to stop those synapses.
Hopefully this year, I’ll be able to do dissociate Y & X from my sadness and anger. Please pray for me, pray for the group of people that X & Y represent.