When small things crush me, this is what I immediately think:
I’m simply not meant for happiness
Why do X & Y never have any failures like mine?; they don’t work hard at all and things go well for them.
Not Meant For Happiness
I’m aware that my first thought is clearly connected to depression. Deep inside of me, I know I’m meant for happiness; I know that’s what God wants for me. I know this is a symptom of depression because getting a watery London Fog from a coffee shop doesn’t mean at all that I’m doomed to unhappiness. I know that when small things crush me and make me cry, it’s not really because I’m a failure; I feel that way because I have a mental imbalance. Despite my knowing of all these things, it’s very hard to see otherwise when I feel devastated.
But, but…X & Y Don’t Work Hard Enough, Yet…They Do All These Things
My second thought is an angry thought. My husband and my confessor can confirm that this thought has haunted me for years! (oh! I always wanted to use the word confessor…it makes me believe that I’m in the way of sainthood ahhahaha).
The last time I had a major failure (and this was a real one, a big one), within minutes my anger shifted from its original cause to my classic but why X & Y never have any failures like mine? It was obvious that this obsession was becoming ridiculous. It’s not jealousy (I could write a post on this), it’s me, judging these people and thinking life is not fair.
I didn’t know what to do, so I prayed and prayed for X & Y. Somehow my prayers brought me consolation. But overall I was still upset and angry. I think both of those feelings were legitimate and reasonable considering the mistake that led me to all this. My anger, however, was not focused at the mistake, but at X & Y who had nothing to do with this at all. And despite my efforts, I couldn’t let it go…and I cried for days.
So I decided to go to counselling. I’ve been going for years –some periods more often than others. It had been over a year since my last visit. Lindsey, my counsellor, is great. I love her very much and she’s helped me a lot through the years. My session was very helpful; I loved how Lindsey was on my side and she started to become angry at the people I’m angry at.
Lindsey suggested that perhaps these people I’m angry and obsessed with, they are the representation of all the anger and disappointed that Canada has brought to my life during the almost 10 years I’ve been here. When she told me that, I paused, thought about it, and said: yes, you’re right! As usual, I was surprised I never came to that conclusion by myself.
Neither Lindsey nor I are sure that knowing the reasoning behind my obsession with these people will help me let go of the obsession itself. We’ll have to wait and see. But so far, I think it’s helped me a bit. After my appointment, I’ve had a bunch of small and medium size failures (some exaggerated by my depression, others not as much), and my anger, sadness and disappointment, didn’t translate right away into a direct made-up anger towards these people.
I guess now I’ll need to explain in a second post, what I mean by the representation of all the anger and disappointment that Canada has given me during this 10 years.