Beauty And My Scars

I love that new song that’s playing on the radio all the time: Scars To Your Beautiful. I like what it says, I like the voice of the singer, the tune: everything! I’ve never believed that I’m beautiful, I’ve never felt that way… not even close. By saying that I like the song, I somehow feel connected to its empowerment message.

Despite my education and age, even when I see myself as a  feminist,  and considering the fact that I’m Catholic and I know God’s love for me is unconditional, I struggle with self image issues.

I pretty much have a mirror phobia. You’ll never see me watching myself in front of a mirror. When I’m in a public washroom I hate those gigantic mirrors on top of the sinks. I wash my hands looking down at the sink, I never lift my head, and I leave the bathroom facing down.  In my own house, when I use the bathroom mirror to do my makeup, I do it with the lights off…instead I turn the hallway’s lights on so I know what I’m doing with the makeup. Years ago, I wouldn’t leave my house without make up, even if it was to go to the grocery store around the corner. I’ve improved considerably, I’ve been outside many times without makeup since I moved to Canada. But still, I’m fully aware how troubled this mirror phobia is.

Early in puberty I suffered from acne; I would say it was bad, but not terrible. However, since I was 16 I’ve had major hormonal problems…I still do, it’s been almost another 16 years of that. Because of my hormonal  issues, I’ve suffered from severe acne many times in my life. For years I was strongly medicated to stop it, it did help, but by then, my self esteem was gone and my face had lots of scars (even after a few painful chemical peels I had done).

I have more than a few acne scars in my face. Are those horrible scars? No, they aren’t. But they’ve surely traumatized me. People who love me would say they cannot see the scars, that is all in my mind. Of course people who say that, don’t have a single acne scar. Yes, you can see the scars, you can tell I’ve suffered from acne.

I guess in a way I’ve grown in humility because of this, and I’m thankful for that. On the other hand,  I’ve written about how media represents this made-up ideal of beauty, and I’m against it! I’m against that pressure of being skinny and size 0! I follow Twitter and Instagram accounts about body positive speakers, I love their message, their strength! . But I hate mirrors, and if I write or say that I’m beautiful…I don’t really believe it, not 100%.

This 2017 Lent, I’m thinking on going without any makeup on Fridays. The idea terrifies me! When I first heard of someone’s no makeup story during Lent, I was so impressed and moved. And I thought: I just can’t, I would shave my head first, but I couldn’t do 40 days without makeup (specially with daily work, weekends, etc).  Now, I know this sounds even more troubled than the mirror thing. But that shows you my total lack of confidence.

But I’ll pray about it, and I like to think that I can start this 2017 by not wearing any make-up all Fridays of Lent. No make-up, only scars, the scars of the beauty that I’ve been given.

 

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About silviaeningles

I’m Silvia and these are some interesting things about me: I was born in Puebla, a beautiful city in central Mexico. It is an old city, founded in 1531 I live in Vancouver, British Columbia in Canada I have a blog in Spanish that you’re welcome to read (http://comenzandolashistorias.blogspot.ca/) I love hummingbirds, tea and Mexican candy I really enjoy when readers write and comment on my posts I love writing, and I really enjoy poetry (reading aloud my favourite poems always makes me happy)
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