Achieving one of my biggest dreams didn’t come easy. I wanted to leave Mexico, I wanted this so badly for many years. Eventually, I did it. I became permanent resident of a First World country, and now I’m lucky enough to be a citizen. I’m so happy about it, and I’m immensely thankful too. But it has been hard, no matter how privilege my experience is. Being an immigrant is hard, being so far away from what you know and understand is one of the hardest things I’ve done.
Next month it will be my 7th anniversary of living away from where I was born. I those 7 years I’ve just visited my family once, but perhaps to counter that sadness I’ve found love, I’ve found a wonderful man who is now my husband.
Sometimes I regret so many things that I’ve done in order to feel part of this country, to feel connected to friends and people around me, to belong and being liked in here. I’ve been trying so hard for years, and it hasn’t been enough, on the contrary, my trying has brought sadness, anxiety and fear.
Often, I think that instead of becoming more Canadian, of better adapting to my life in here the opposite is happening. I’m against things that I used to force myself to tolerate or like because that was they way things work in Canada. But I’m tired and sad, I don’t care if things are actually different, now I judge them as wrong. I’m done justifying people, no, they aren’t nice, they are manipulative, no, it’s not that they aren’t as expressive as Mexicans, they simply don’t care – they are kindly indifferent-. And I’m so damn tired of it.
Maybe because I don’t go to Mexico often ,but sometimes I just want to run away and be there, with my mum and friends. I just want to go away…