I need to let go of the present,
of anger and disappointment.
No, it isn’t anger…it’s this strong feeling of bothersome
that makes me cry.
I can’t stand anymore so many things that I used to, that I forced myself to enjoy. I meant well, I wanted to feel accepted, to feel like I belonged. However, now I constantly question my past actions because despite my efforts, I don’t have a sense of belonging. Things, people and situations are not what I originally thought they were; and although it’s a little late, I’ve realized I don’t want to belong at all. But it is not that easy, especially when everybody else fits in but me (You may say I fit it, but that is not how I feel).
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to pay for counselling because I don’t think it is worth it. Well, my emotional well-being is worth a lot, but I like thinking I can manage this time unlike so many other times were medication and talking to someone were my only hope. I don’t feel anxious or deeply depressed, just angry at myself for have been so stupid, and for currently being stupid enough to care about things that aren’t worth it.
While talking to a dear friend a few weeks ago, we both concluded how much we used to hate self-help books, but now, we feel like we need them even for basic comfort and motivation (don’t get me wrong, I still believe there are terrible self-help books out there).
I need to find a way to let go,
to let go of the present,
of this present that is the result of my past
of this present that will be part of my future.