I cried for many years at Christmas, but not anymore. It wasn’t sadness, but it was something similar. I used to ask myself: do you know that it is my birthday today? Part of me always wanted to believe that, of course you knew it was my birthday. But I guess deep inside me I’ve always questioned the accuracy of my thought.
For many years I was confident you were going to look for me. I’m not sure how I felt about it, but I was convinced it was going to happen. Maybe when I’m 15, perhaps 18, for sure when I finish university. But you didn’t do it. It is ok. I’m not mad or disappointed, and I’m not indifferent either. I just don’t think about it anymore, or at least not in the way I used to.
You should know that I’ve never hated you. I don’t have any bad memories or hard feelings against you. Thank you for letting me have a happy childhood with my mum and grandparents. I was happy because I never lost you, I never had you. I didn’t realized what that meant until years later.
I don’t cry on Christmas day anymore
I don’t think you’re coming to meet me one day