Not anymore

I cried for many years at Christmas, but not anymore.  It wasn’t sadness, but it was something similar. I used to ask myself: do you know that it is my birthday today? Part of me always wanted to believe that, of course you knew it was my birthday. But I guess deep inside me I’ve always questioned the accuracy of my thought.

For many years I was confident you were going to look for me. I’m not sure how I felt about it, but I was convinced it was going to happen. Maybe when I’m 15, perhaps 18, for sure when I finish university. But you didn’t do it. It is ok. I’m not mad or disappointed, and I’m not indifferent either. I just don’t think about it anymore, or at least not in the way I used to.

You should know that I’ve never hated you. I don’t have any bad memories or hard feelings against you.  Thank you for letting me have a happy childhood with my mum and grandparents. I was happy because I never lost you, I never had you.  I didn’t realized what that meant until years later.

I don’t cry on Christmas day anymore

I don’t think you’re coming to meet me one day

This ended up looking like a letter, but I promise one day I will write you a real letter. I have my life as an inspiration and Kafka and Millás as literary models.


About silviaeningles

I’m Silvia and these are some interesting things about me: I was born in Puebla, a beautiful city in central Mexico. It is an old city, founded in 1531 I live in Vancouver, British Columbia in Canada I have a blog in Spanish that you’re welcome to read ( I love hummingbirds, tea and Mexican candy I really enjoy when readers write and comment on my posts I love writing, and I really enjoy poetry (reading aloud my favourite poems always makes me happy)
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