In my dream, the nurse walked into the room holding my baby and said: he is the happiest baby I’ve ever seen. And there I was, in some hospital room wearing a robe and holding the happiest baby. My husband was there with me. The three of us. The baby was happy.
This dream makes me sad, very sad. I was convinced that I wanted to have babies, maybe not plural, but I knew for sure I wanted at least one kid. I used to have an imaginary life, full of dreams and ambitions. In one of the stages of this life, I’m 35 years old and single, a highly successful professional woman. Right there, in that fictional part of my life, I was just going to have a baby and become a mother. Why? Because I was sure I wanted to have a baby. The father, consequences, details and characteristics didn’t matter at all. In this future, I’m thrilled to be holding in my arms and baby girl named Cosette.
My imaginary life –which took me years to construct-, was full of many adventures and experiences that I always saw as my indisputable future. Letting go of this life has been one of the hardest things I’ve even encountered. The struggle it creates in my mind it’s sometimes very difficult to handle. My counsellor was that one that made me realized that letting go of a dream is hard, and that it is OK to feel sad about it. I know it sounds like a simple common sense statement, but when I realized she was right, I felt incredibly sad and relieved at the same time.
My dream on the weekend reminded me of my made-up future which has faded away before even happening; reading my book last night reminded me of another imaginary scenario that I doubt it will even happen.
Some days, especially at night, I feel sad about letting go of my imaginary life. I don’t know for how long I will mourn it, but every once in a while I find myself longing for those ambiguous experiences and adventures which were key parts in my imagined and utopian future. I know I need to let it go, but I’m aware that is hard and that I have the right to feel sad about it.