I have a few obsessions; I think all of them are slowly destroying me. One of them is about going to a beautiful sunny beach with my Munequito.
I didn’t have a honeymoon, but I never wanted one. To be honest, I never even ambitioned to get married. I guess that in my magical fantasy life I dreamt of going to Machu Picchu for my honeymoon, but that’s just one of my many crazy dreams with no foundation.
I’ve made some small trips with my husband. Nothing major, but we’ve gone to places. I think twice we went to Seattle for a few days. That counts as a vacation. We’ve spent a night in Harrison Hot springs, and some separate nights throughout the years in Bellingham. We’ve been to Salt Spring Island for the weekend.
We love each other very much, and we’re happy, or as happy as my craziness lets my marriage to be a happy one.
But I’m truly obsessed with going to a beautiful Mexican beach with my husband. I see it as a very late honeymoon and as something I’ve worked very hard to get. I’ve had this obsession for years. And over the years, I’ve created these images in my mind:
We’re getting out of the plane and the warm air makes me smile
We arrive at the hotel, I hold my husband’s hand and we run towards the ocean: it’s not cold, the sand it’s beautiful!
We wake up in the morning and walk down to the beach, to stop later on for breakfast
I’m obsessed with that trip, with those memories. I’m fully aware how unhealthy this is.
About 3 months ago I had saved enough money to go on this trip: beautiful Huatulco was waiting for us. I blame the excitement (but it was stupidity and lack of focus) for the horrible mistake I made. I booked the trip for the wrong days and we couldn’t go. I was covering from someone at work, a position that ideally I wanted to get; I couldn’t leave my job to go on this poorly and mistakenly scheduled trip. I could probably have gone, and I’m confident I could still have gotten the job. But I can’t do that sort of thing, I’m not sure what stopped me: morals, values, ridiculous sense of responsibility?; maybe I’m dumb and my priorities are odd.
I couldn’t get a refund nor could I give away the trip to someone else. It was all wasted. I cried for days; it was incredibly hard to let go (plus consider I wasn’t having a great mental season anyway).
I decided not to attempt this trip anymore, at least not for the summer which was my original goal. I planned something else for the summer, something that I’ve been looking forward to doing for 10 years. And so you know, that also ended up in tears and suffering (clearly a topic for another post); yes, there were some highlights, but with a very sad ending.
But Christmas is coming, and I can go to the beach! But I want to go because I’m obsessed with it. I’m not sure it will bring me happiness. My husband doesn’t want to go, he has zero interest in this trip; he goes along with me because he’s better than me and loves me very much. But I’ve in places where I didn’t want to be (for holidays and non-holidays), and it’s awful. I don’t want him to be in a place where he doesn’t want to be. Especially, because I don’t think I’ll be happy. My obsession is of such intensity, that I know that any small failure will crush me: forgetting my flip-flops, not putting sunscreen on my husbands’ toes, a bad piece of fruit in my husband’s plate…I’m not pessimistic, but I know that something may happen that isn’t part of my perfect trip, and I won’t be able to handle it.
But without my obsession, I feel like I have nothing: nothing at all; and that scares me. My obsession gives me a fake sense of happiness, it provides me with a fake and pseudo reachable goal to dream of.
I have invested so much in this utopian trip that I don’t think it can realistically bring me happiness. But I know that midnight Mass on the 24th will make me happy, that waking up to hug my Christmas moose will make me smile; having a cup of tea while looking at my Christmas tree will give me joy; and watching The Little Mermaid with a bowl of potato chips and salsa next to my Munequito will make me so happy. That’s the happiness I want, and that’s what I should aim to get this Christmas.